02.16.09
Soliloquiy of a Broken Man – Poem
I stand before you a broken man.
If you’d asked me several years ago about how my life was, I’d have told you that everything was going fine.
I was fine.
My job was fine.
My life was fine.
In fact, things were looking good in fact. No…
They were looking great.
But that was just a lie.
A web…. of fabrications, self-delusions, and outright lies that I not only told others but I had convinced myself of as well. I hid myself away behind many masks and crafted many illusions.
An ethical businessman, sure, that was me. A caring and trustworthy husband, sure why not. After all, I was a person who had morals, even if I bent them all the time to suit my purposes. I even claimed I was a Christian, a true defender of the faith. I could recite back to you everything I had ever learned about the Church, yet I did not really live that life or follow what was taught.
It all looked good until you measured it up against the picture of my life. I really only fooled those who didn’t look too close at my masquerade. Anyway, no one shares their sins, perversions, and troubles with the world. What would people think? Everyone lives their own secret life.
It was by keeping these secrets that I easily fooled myself, never letting anyone close enough to see the real “me”. It was a “me” that was dying on the inside. A “me” that was angry at the world. Even when the contradictions in my life came crashing back upon me, I stood ready with excuses about how it was someone else’s fault or just bad luck. Deep inside, I was looking for truth, but Lord knows the trouble I had trying to find it amidst the smoke generated from the smoldering ruins of my life.
Yet still I was a prideful, haughty man. The seeds I had sown were reaping fruit, I just realize much too late that they were not the fruits of which I wished to partake. They were bitter, angry and sad. In my anguish, I began searching.
Searching for something….
For anything….
For an answer or a remedy that would ease the pain.
I had always been told that if I worked hard enough I could find an answer. Instead of finding relief, I found judgmental people condemning those who failed to measure up to some elusive perfect model. I grew jaded as I encountered a world of pedophile priests and fallen ministers. Groups that said they wanted to help and build up people, but in truth, they only cast stones and tore people down. I don’t know why that surprised me, my own life was covered in the filth of the world and I would have gladly thrown the first stone at someone to keep stones from being thrown at me. It was better them than me.
I settled down in the dark pit I had dug as I quit feeling the pain. I slowly became numb as I began to believe the stories I told myself. Every so often I would break free of my numbness and rage with anger at my circumstances….
Not only at myself…
but also at those around me.
I was destroying not only myself but also everyone I loved around me. I was in spiritual crisis. I was at the end of my rope.
I’m not certain what exactly caused me to seek Jesus again, but I did. The Jesus I found was not caught up in the ritual and rites I remembered from my youth, but rather as someone who wanted a relationship with me. He was willing to reach out to me in my dark place and save me. He found me in my despair. And this was despite the fact that I was an arrogant jerk. I was a man who was nowhere close to the perfect models I thought Christians were expected to be. He was willing to save me from myself, all I had to do was accept him and trust in him. Though I had tried to no avail, I could not save myself, but He could.
As I embraced Jesus, I finally began to see the masks I had hidden myself with. I discovered I was clothed in the trappings of the world caught up in materialistic and hedonistic pursuits. After all the world ran on the mantra of “if it feels good, do it”. There’s even a song that said “If it makes you happy, it can’t be that bad, if it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad.” Layers of lies I had convinced myself of, isolation I had placed myself in, and the things I had worshipped that covered me began to break away.
I delved into the words that Jesus left for us and as I did so, these masks and lies started to fall away. It was painful as it exposed wounds in my spirit but instead of sadness, I was finding joy. Instead of despair, I was finding hope. I was finding forgiveness for the things I had done and the pain I had caused.
I found myself in the company of others who were also building their relationships with God, imperfect people just like me. I learned that fellowship was much more than just eating donuts in a large hall but rather a community where I could find support. As I embraced my new brothers and sisters in Christ, more things broke free.
I broke even more when I realized that it wasn’t just about me but that I was called to be in humble service to others. I grew as I helped others grow. I grew and received many blessings when I was giving my gifts away freely to others.
Jesus met me where I was, and accepted me as he found me. I came to Him as I was and put my trust in Him. And in trust, He broke me down so He could build me back up.
So, I stand before you a broken man
Not broken in defeat, but rather a man constantly being broken from the trappings of this world through his relationship with Christ.
